I am continually intrigued by the diverse nature of families
in Australia and the many different ways we parent our children. I find that
most parents, parent well, most of the time.
Unfortunately there are times when it is challenging to parent
well; times when we are challenged with negative or inappropriate behaviours
from our children. During these times we often face our own strong negative
emotions and inappropriate behaviours. When this is experienced it often leads
to us speaking to or treating our children in ways that we wouldn’t allow
others to treat them. The end result is; we are further away from helping our
kids with what we started out trying to help them with, we are further away
from being the parent we promised ourselves we would be and we feel guilty,
often telling ourselves with great regularity how terrible we are as parents. I
tell parents who can relate to this, that guilt is good as long as you deal
with it. If you respond to this emotion productively and appropriately, there
is a strong chance that you will practice parenting the way you want more
frequently during the tough times.
Here are some tips on
how to get through the times that require implementing consequences or
disciplining your children. I'd encourage you to refer to them as "Educational Consequences", both in how you think about them and how you talk about them with your children and with others.
Respect – How to
do what you do
Many parents ask me WHAT to do. The simple answer is; focus
on the HOW and the WHAT will come.
You’ve experienced it
– whether it’s the shopkeeper or your boss or the neighbour or another driver
or your partner.....it’s not what they ask or say, it’s how they ask or say it.
It’s the same with parenting.
Whatever you do, do it with respect - Yes, there will be
times when your child is argumentative, oppositional, destructive, malicious or
needs to be reminded repeatedly to do something; but someone is going to have
to be the adult in this relationship. You’ll feel a lot better if it’s you!!!
Three things I get parents to commit to when it comes to
discipline:
-
Focus on your behaviour and being respectful
rather than focussing on your child’s behaviour.
-
Treat your child as respectfully as you want
them to treat you, no matter how they are treating you.
-
Treat your child the way you want other people
to treat your child.
The initial focus is not on changing the child; rather it’s
on changing how you do things. You will find that asking the question, “Can I
do this respectfully?” will have either a “yes” or “no” answer. ‘Yes’ answers
are great, keep doing what you’re doing. If the answer is ‘No’ it simply means
you will have to either do it differently or work out a way to parent
respectfully. Sometimes it may even mean walking away for a short while to work
out HOW to be respectful in this situation.
Capacity and Consistency
If you aren’t able to be consistent, don't start. Why? The
message for your child is confusing and will lead to other behavioural issues.
Children will work out quickly that sometimes they can get away with stuff and
if they like what they’re doing or it benefits them or they don't think it’s as
bad as you think it is, they will learn your inconsistent patterns and adapt
around them. Many kids will take the risk if they can see there’s only a small
chance of getting busted.
Put together a wish list of what you would like to see
change for your children and how you would implement it. Once this is done ask
yourself; ‘What’s my capacity emotionally and physically to consistently
implement and support this change?’ Assessing your capacity will take into
account what other commitments you have that will have you away from the home and
even if you are able to be present, what kind of focus and energy do you have
to introduce and support this change. And what if it requires more time than
expected to encourage your child to make helpful choices?
When behavioural issues are serious enough it can be
important to change our commitments in order to have the capacity to address
them consistently.
Educational
The goal of discipline is to see your child move gradually
from external rewards and consequences towards internalising their problem
solving and self regulation, learning to make more helpful and constructive
choices both now and into their adult life for themselves, the family and their
community.
Some children do this easily; a lot don't and can fluctuate
depending on circumstances and ability. Your role in this process is to develop
discipline that is educational, this will guide your child towards making more
helpful choices on their own. This is much better than the young person making
decisions based on the probability of getting busted.
There are three important aspects to educational
consequences.
-
The consequence must have value (currency) for
the child.
-
The consequence is small and simple rather than
big and punitive.
-
The consequence needs to be able to be broken
down into parts.
As an example: your
child loves computer time and is allowed 45 minutes a day on it. Ensure the
time is set so the ‘currency’ is valued. Each time a consequence is needed;
take a minute off the time. This gives you more ‘currency’ to work with if the
child is still making unhelpful choices and avoids resorting to reactive and
aggressive parenting when you run out of consequences quickly.
If done well this allows the child to see that the choices
they make has an impact, both positive and negative, on things they value in
life, rather than adapting their behaviour based on the tone of your voice or
the threat you’ve just given them.
This is a brief introduction to educational consequences. As
your child grasps the basic concepts, the program is further developed to allow
your child to be internally motivated towards helpful choices.
Avoid Polarised
Parenting, Find Commonground
Dealing with children’s negative behaviour places stress on
the household often leading to a lot of tension between the parents which in
turn has the potential to lead to “Polarised Parenting”. This is when both
parents are compensating for the other parents parenting style. Typically one
becomes harsher while the other becomes more lenient. This results in a really
confused child with no consistent boundaries.
What’s the commonground? You both want your child to come
out of this, better able to solve the problems life throws at them. Knowing,
using and adapting your partners’ strengths will bring your styles closer
together and be less confusing for your child.
If you find yourself or your partner compensating for the
others parenting style, talk to them, work through it with them, establish
commonground, support each other. When things get tough, you are going to be
better off with that support in the end.
Whatever you take away from this,
please remember to ask yourself every step of the way, “Can I do this with
respect”.
Here’s a quick checklist to take with you:
My Parenting
Checklist
Can I do this respectfully? Yes No
Do I currently have the capacity to address this
consistently? Yes No
Is this educational? Yes No
Are my partner and I working together? Yes No
In this article I have addressed behavioural issues in
regards to discipline. It’s worth adding many behavioural issues in fact stem
from mild to chronic mental health issues including; anxiety, depression, fear,
low self esteem. They can also be exacerbated by environmental factors at home,
school or with peers. All these issues need to be assessed to ensure the best
outcome for your child.
This article is excerpts from a book Justin is currently working on.
